


Mourning

by moricat



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Childhood Sweethearts, Dead Eren Yeager, Flashbacks, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, Husbands, Lost Love, M/M, POV Armin Arlert, Romance, Romantic Fluff, Widowed, Ymir's Curse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-01
Updated: 2017-04-01
Packaged: 2018-10-13 15:55:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10516995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moricat/pseuds/moricat
Summary: A drabble about Armin mourning and fondly remembering his late husband who has recently died after passing along his Titan/suffering Ymir's curse.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I've wanted to write this for a long time, though it's severely underpolished because well, it was hard to write :'( but I care a lot about this subject so I wanted to tackle it to the best of my ability.

It'd been nearly 2 weeks since Eren died and everyone was concerned about Armin... Unsure how he'd be handling such a heavy loss, his friends and former comrades turned "family" decided to pay him a visit to check up on him. Jean acted as the self appointed ring leader of Sasha and Connie's company, and implored them from the Yeager-Arlert's front porch to behave with deep, thorough, and sincere tact all the way through. Mikasa, who had already visited with Armin the day after Eren's death, remained at home with her kids, waiting for an update on Armin's health from her husband.

"Seriously, behave in here, okay? No burping, no rummaging, no chewing with your mouth open, no stupid questions, no bringing up hard subjects, just be... the opposite of yourselves for 20 minutes, alright?"

Sasha and Connie exchanged offended glares and shot them back at Jean.

"You act like we've never suffered a loss before, horse face." Connie called out sharply.

Sasha concurred and quickly dethroned Jean. "Yeah, let's address you too. No talking shit about Eren, no rude commentary, no egomaniacal jabs, no being _yourself_  until the visit is over, preachy ass."

"Yeah!"

Jean glared and rolled his eyes to the side, defeated. "Let's just all be considerate, alright?"

Everyone braced themselves as Jean rapped his knuckle on the eerie beach house's front door.

Soon enough, soft shoed footsteps approached and Armin revealed himself from behind the door with a smile for the visitors. "Oh, hi everyone!"

Sasha spoke with a gentle warm tone. "Hi, Armin."

"Hey, buddy." Connie worked to ensure his tone matched hers. "We just came to see how you were doing."

Jean took a more forward approach, resting a hand on Armin's shoulder as he greeted him. "How you doin', man? We're right here for you."

"Aw, how sweet of you... I'm doing fine, really. It's so nice to see you all though, would you care to come inside?"

"If it's no trouble." Sasha smiled.

Armin opened the door widely with a nod and gestured inside to welcome everybody, grinning as his comrades entered one by one.

The 3 guests glanced awkwardly around the living room, immediately noting that the house still very very much smelled like Eren... The room was oddly rather untidy, with various items in a disarray compared to the usual organized homestead the lovers had previously kept... Their glances met, silently signaling their concerns to one another, until Armin warmly stepped up ahead to continue hosting.

"Sorry about the mess, but please make yourselves comfortable. Would you guys like some tea? I still have some of that exotic stuff you liked from our trip to Africa, Sasha."

"Yes, please!" She grinned.

Armin nodded and quietly made his way into the kitchen to brew their beverages, leaving the 3 to whisper amongst themselves.

"Jean, this place is very concerning..." Sasha noted.

"I know, I know."

"But he seems to be doing alright." Connie chimed in. "Cut him some slack, it's only been 2 weeks."

"This place smells like Eren never left! It can't possibly be healthy to stay here!" Sasha hissed.

"Shh, keep your voice down." Jean kept an eye out for Armin's return from the kitchen.

"Hey, everybody mourns differently." Connie defended. "It's none of our business how he copes."

Sasha seemed prepared to make a rebuttal, but the 3 hushed completely when Armin came back.

Jean broke the silence and gestured to the hot cups of tea Armin was carrying on a tray. "Mmm, love this stuff!"

"Well, I'm glad to hear it. Drink all you wish and be merry." He chuckled and placed the tray on the coffee table below. "Oh, but I forgot the fig rolls, I'll be right back. But please, rest and take it easy!" He reiterated sweetly.

As Sasha took a comfy seat in one of the chairs, the others began to follow suit, with Jean sitting on the far left end of the couch. But as Armin prepared to turn around, he spotted Connie by the couch preparing to take a seat on the far right side, brushing aside a disheveled pillow in the process.  

 ** _"DON'T TOUCH THAT!!!"_ ** Armin shouted furiously in a frantic panic.

Jean flinched at the surprising shout and Connie froze where he stood, raising his hands in the air to show he wasn't touching anything. Sasha keenly sat still, listening on.

Armin blushed and covered his cheeks with his hands, feeling so embarrassed and apologized profusely. "Ah- I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to, I-I'm sorry--" Tears welled up in his eyes as one of his hands covered his mouth while the other grabbed at his stomach.

"Armin, it's okay..." Connie gently reassured him.

The grieving blond looked up to find Connie smiling with understanding and found Jean's hand at rest on his shoulder.

"It's alright, Armin, we can sit on the floor around the table. Japanese style!" Sasha suggested, taking a seat on the Arabian rug.

Armin smiled at the kind consideration and wiped his eyes as the others followed her lead. He took his seat on the floor at the head of the table, appreciating how lucky he was to have such good friends right now. "...Thank you all..."

Connie brought a gentle hand to Armin's arm to comfort him further. "Armin? Do you wanna talk about it?"

Armin pulled his cup of tea towards himself on the table, holding it in his hands, seeking its warmth as he built up the courage to talk. "...Eren sat there a few days before _that_  day, reading a book... he pushed the pillow aside from his lap when he got up and I haven't touched it since... That was where he always sat..." Tears pooled once again in his eyelids. "It's completely meaningless and irrational, I know, but..."

"It's okay." Connie interrupted. "I get it. When I found out about my parents, I wouldn't wash my clothes for weeks."

Sasha's nostrils flared at the memory. "You were a real mess to look at then. Smelly too."

"I know. But it was like-- in my head I felt that once I did my laundry, mom was really gone... cuz those were all the clothes I had to wear before she died. So it's alright, Armin. As long as it's safe, do what makes you feel okay. Even if it's crazy."

"Thanks, Connie... Talking about him actually helps a lot..."

"Then let's talk about him! You're childhood sweethearts, right? I've always wanted to know what you're childhood was like, so, can you tell us a story about that?"

Armin smiled, brushing away his tears. "Hmhmm... We always had a lot of adventures, actually. There was this one time when, umm-- heheh... We were 8 or so, this was before Mikasa came into the picture, and after my usual thrashing from the bullies, Eren came to save me and cheer me up. I had an awful bruise on my cheek from where that one kid kicked me in the face, and a knot in my stomach from where he kicked me there too... Eren was always so gentle with me anyway, but I remember he was extra gentle that day... He held me close to him as we walked into town..."

* * *

"Who gave you those bruises Armin, you just give me the specific name and I'll whop him extra hard tomorrow."

"No, Eren, me making you hit him back for me is as bad as me hitting him back myself."

"No it's not, cuz I'm the one doing the punching!"

"Eren..." Armin chuckled, resting his weary little head on Eren's warm little shoulder.

Eren blushed, trying to think of a plan to help ease Armin's pain. "Well, come on to the bakery. If you try to look extra pitiful, maybe he'll finally give us one of the free samples." He winked.

Armin managed a real smile again and let Eren lead him to the "forbidden zone".

When they arrived, the exhausted young Armin put little effort into his performance, but didn't need to anyway for how achey he was.

Eren leaned up against the window of the bakery, making audible noises on the glass, alerting the shop keeper demandingly of his presence.

The manager soon wandered out to gripe at the boys as he usually did. "How many times do I have to tell you brats not to come around here?"

"We're standing on a public sidewalk, we've every right to be here!" Eren growled.

"You're making my customers uncomfortable with your depressing atmosphere and scary eyes! And you can't afford to buy anything in here so just go!"

"Please sir, my buddy here's been through an awful beating..." the little raven haired boy cried, drawing Armin close to him. "Can't we just have a free sample to help ease his pain?"

"No."

"Eh?! What the fuck?! Have you no pity?!" he yelled back, baring his fangs now.

"The little scoundrel probably deserved it for nosing around a place he didn't belong!"

_**"What was that, asshole?!"** _

"Eren please!" Armin whispered, clutching Eren's arm.

The shopkeeper only continued his efforts to shoo off the poor kids. "Unless you got money for something, get the hell out of here!"

"Eren, let's go..." Armin insisted, tugging his friend's arm.

Eren simply stood glaring maliciously at the shop keeper, with his muscles taught, his teeth snarling, and his beastly eyebrows furrowed...

A customer then came in for a cake, however, and the manager was called to follow him back inside, leaving the little scamps alone, empty handed.

Eren refused to let anyone talk to Armin like that, and gently jerked his arm out of his friend's hands... "Wait here on the sidewalk..."

Armin watched anxiously as Eren snuck inside and around the customer to swipe 2 big pieces of cake on the serving plate under the glass cover... The manager quickly caught the thieving child, and pursued him, red faced and bellowing angrily in spite of the present customers. Eren ran for his life, leaving Armin by himself on the sidewalk.

Armin quickly started to follow though, especially when he saw the scary manager, and ran for his life as well, racing to catch up with his fleeing best friend despite the injuries to his body.

The manager chased the boys down the street, creating quite the scene to the amused townsfolk and the lazing garrison. Eren couldn't help grinning to himself for the thrill of the chase, trying to think up a way to shake this pursuer. Deciding he'd lose him with a sharp turn in the alleyway up ahead, he cleverly hid himself in an empty crate until the manager finally gave up to return to work (since he was still on the clock).

Eren crawled out of the crate, taking care not to muss up the cake or dirty his hands, laughing heartily to himself in victory. "That'll show em! Alright, Armin, let's--..." his smile quickly faded when he realized he'd left poor injured Armin behind... "Shit..."

Armin, who'd gotten lost in the chase long ago, walked slowly and solemnly through the crowded town, hoping to still find Eren by chance, aching and stumbling all the way... His brain buzzed with the pain of being left behind by Eren yet again, and with worry the bakery manager might've beaten his dearest friend somewhere down the road.

"ARMIN!!!"

A distant guttural young voice found it's way into Armin's ears and he paused to look ahead. Eren was running towards him.

The exhausted Eren finally reached his friend, trying to catch his breath as he at last handed Armin the crumbly cake sample hidden between his hands. "Ha-- Here. Don't worry, I kept it clean. And we can pick away the parts that might taste like my hands."

Armin marveled to himself as he stared at Eren's sincere yet unsure grin. He was incredibly sad not 10 seconds ago, feeling abandoned and scared, but now he felt warm and happy, and found himself smiling. How lucky must a boy be to have Eren Yeager for his best friend? As he held his hands out to accept the looted gift with his head bowing shyly, he could only muster a humble "Thank you, Eren." in response .

With a gentle fist, Eren affectionately tilted Armin's chin up to ensure his best friend _stayed_  happy, and smiled to himself to see his buddy blush, with excitement for the cake, he assumed. "Come on, let's go sit down somewhere comfortable. You shouldn't be up walking around yet." he suggested, wrapping a helpful arm around him to help him walk.

"Okay." Armin replied, resting his head against him like he were right at home.

Eren beamed to himself. A moment like this with Armin was better than any cake..."

* * *

"It was a truly gross cake." Armin laughed. "Even the parts Eren's hands didn't touch. It was such an insult to angel food."

"A sinful cake like that ought to have been tossed immediately!" Sasha cried.

Jean rolled his eyes. "Yeesh, so dramatic, potato girl."

"It's the thought that counts." Connie winked, much to Armin's appreciation. "Say, Armin? I've always wondered when it actually hit you that were in love. Was it as kids?"

Armin's cheeks suddenly became very rosy as he shyly recalled his memory. "Oh, that was very quick for me... Eren told me he didn't realize it until Trost, but... in the back of his mind, and in his heart, he always knew. I realized it one night nearly a month after befriending him. We'd spent the day together skipping rocks in the river, or failing at it, and when I'd finally gone to bed... I just- couldn't stop thinking about him. I tossed and turned in my bed, with my stomach relentlessly fluttering, and my heart pounding non stop... Just thinking about him... Eren. So rough and ferocious, yet so tender and kind. He made me feel like I could do anything, and if he merely smiled at me, I just felt like... everything would be okay. No matter how scared or anxious I was. (It still did that for me, even... now). And his voice kept echoing in my ears, saying both sweet and salty things that shouldn't mean anything, and yet I had to bury my face in my pillow because I was just so overwhelmed by all of it. I wasn't sure what to call that feeling. I only knew I was happier than I'd ever been before in my life, all thanks to that amazing boy named Eren... I snuggled up in my sheets under my blanket, trying to muffle my little squeals and giggles from waking up the household. Embarrassing, really." he chuckled. "My naive little mind was still calling it "friendship". But then..."

* * *

_Rap-tap-tap!_ Armin's startled head popped out from under the blanket to see what the noise was and found that it was coming from his window.

Surprisingly, it was the muse in question. "Armin? Hey, are you awake?"

"Eren?" Armin quickly swung his legs out from under the covers to rush over and open the window. "Eren, what in the world are you--"

"I couldn't sleep..."

"So you snuck out and ran here?" Armin's hushed voice scolded and yet... he couldn't help expressing his adoration in it as well.

"Yeah. I wanted to see you... Can I come in?"

Armin blushed, swallowing the urge to fawn, but reluctantly put a damper on the thrill. "Mm... For a moment. But go straight home afterwards. I don't want us getting in trouble and being forbidden to see each other again..."

"Eh, would that happen?"

"It's possible."

"Hm. Well fuck it! If that happened, I wouldn't let them stop me from seeing you again. I'd find a way."

Armin felt like an amorous arrow shot through his heart, like in the fairy tales they were so often told. He honestly wondered if Eren knew he was doing this to him for how good he was at making him feel like this. "...Come on inside, it's chilly out here." he said with his little hands outstretched and waiting.

Eren took them without an ounce of hesitation or embarrassment and climbed his way through the window...

The pair sat in Armin's bed for a little while, reading a short story from one of Armin's antique fantasy books, wherein a young maiden tamed a Titan. Eren cried hidden tears for the heroine who was said to be relentlessly bullied as a child, only to wind up eaten by a swarm of Titans in the end when she fell off of the wall in search of her pet Titan. Armin used his softest voice to try and soothe Eren, attempting to wipe away his tears only for Eren to turn away and deny them. Armin assured him it was okay to cry, and that he himself cried when he read it the first time. Eren gave in and held Armin close.

"If anybody, _ever_ , tries to hurt you, I want to help you."

Armin blushed as he buried his cheek in Eren's shoulder, suppressing the words that nearly escaped his lips by complete surprise: _I love you_. Ah, so that was what he was feeling for Eren...

Not much longer after that, Armin finally sent Eren home. He helped him back out through the window by hand, but found that Eren's hands lingered in his for just a little longer than usual...

"I'll see you in the morning. Right?"

Armin gave a warm simper from his windowsill to the precious boy looking up at him from below with longing silvery eyes. "I can't wait."

Eren grinned back... and turned away to run home again.

* * *

"He told me years later that he used to cherish affection like that night from me, because it meant I was growing to trust him." Armin grinned. "He said it really really pleased him to see me smiling more and more often as we got closer." But slowly that smile faded away again, back to his somber expression.

Sasha quickly placed a comforting hand on Armin's arm. "I bet that if he were here right now, he'd say he's proud of you for smiling even a little at a time like this."

A slight smile creeped back onto his lips again.

Jean put on his casual unamused front to give Armin a little extra boost of dignity. "Hm. Alright, enough of that gross fluff and goo. I think Armin looks like he could use some dinner. How about a little grilling on the beach? I haven't had sea food in a while."

Armin sighed humorously. "Alright."

* * *

 

A few hours later the old comrades were at ease in the sand with their bellies full of grilled fish and squid. Armin hadn't cooked since maybe the few weeks before Eren's death and was excited to be serving his friends the "exotic" sea dishes he'd begun mastering since the war. He sat on the shore, propped up against Connie's shoulder with Jean and Sasha on the other side, watching the sunset as it dropped into the horizon. He told more stories from his childhood and a few about his more recent trips with Eren, with thankfully more laughter than tears. Sasha soon put her arm around him affectionately but then Jean reluctantly announced their need to depart... Everyone thanked Armin for the meal, his company, his stories, and once again offered their sincerest and deepest condolences. "Eren was a good man." they said. "And he loved you with all his heart..."

* * *

 

With Armin left sitting alone on the beach in the twilight, his thoughts turned back to Eren. He was actually glad everyone had left, so he could perform his nightly ritual...

"Hi, Eren..." He sniffled, pressing his lips to his knee while the tide slowly creeped up over his bare toes. "I know you could probably see it from where you are, but our friends came over today. Sasha and Connie, (and Jean). It was nice to see them. Got me laughing again. They asked me tell them stories about you. It really cheered me up to revisit all those old memories... but... it hurts too because now they're only memories... and you're not here beside me any longer. Forgive me please for crying yet again..."

He cried into his knees for a little while as the tide came in further and further, til he was now sitting in the surrounding water. He hoped Eren couldn't read his thoughts since they were daring to wish the ocean would carry him away to the other side tonight. "I wish you were here again. I miss your arms around me, and your voice, and your smile... I guess it's just gonna have to hurt for a while before I can really move forward. I hope you'll forgive me for that... I know you wanted me to live my life but so much of my life was entwined with yours, I just-- don't know how to go about it from here... I wish I could talk to you just one more time. I don't know what I'd say that I haven't told you already, I just... want you back..."

The evening light turned into a bright moonlit night and the lonely widower was now soaking wet from the rising tide. With the stars now sparkling over head, he studied them and tried to form pictures out of them like he used to do with Eren, wishing desperately he could just hear Eren reply. Even if it was just to say "Haha you're crazy, Armin." he would've given anything to hear it... Soon enough, he felt it was time he turned in to bed and rose up from the water. "Bed time... You used to carry me to bed in your arms when we'd been standing out on the shore at night for too long like this. You were so warm too. I always appreciated that." He muttered, shivering as the breeze blew over him in his sopping wet clothes. Armin had sort of convinced himself that saying "good night" to Eren's spirit from the shore meant that their "communication" would end for the night and that Eren's spirit would rest, so tonight he took himself inside to shower and head to bed without another word. Even if it were all in his head, he needed to feel like Eren was still there with him.

He donned his night clothes and brushed his damp hair, trying to stay clean and healthy despite the depression, and crawled in to his side of the bed, illuminated by the moonlight from the window. He gently removed the covers so as not to disturb Eren's side of the bed, which was still disheveled and wrinkled, with the scent of him still adorning it and his impression still visible in the empty pillow... Armin didn't wish to disturb it, but felt like a basket case for the obsession... He took a deep breath, still with his heart open to Eren's presence, and slid his hand over the empty sheet and indented pillow. He swallowed the lump in his throat but cried anyway, and pulled the pillow in his arms to cuddle it tight. He pressed his nose into it, inhaling the scent and missing Eren so much it was making him nauseous... He wrapped Eren's half of the blanket over himself and surely it was just in his head, but he felt as though Eren's arms were around him too. His tear flooded eyes finally focused again and were surprised to see a piece of paper where Eren's pillow had been sitting.

"Eh? How long has this been there?" He wiped his eyes with his sleeve and brought the paper up to his face to look at it, still cuddling the pillow for comfort. It was a letter. And to his joy, a letter from Eren... "E-- Eren?!" He clicked on the lamp by the bed and fervently began to read it...

> _"My dearest Armin,_
> 
> _As I write this letter to you, it is the morning before... Well, you know. I couldn't really sleep. But you are currently sound asleep beside me. Looking so beautiful and precious in the early morning light. I want to talk to you so badly but I don't have the heart to wake you when I know how hard this day is going to be for you even with plenty of rest. So I'm writing this letter instead. Maybe that's better in all honesty. There's not much I can think to say that I haven't already told you or will tell you later as we... depart. But I want to say that these years I've spent with you, however short, have made this life more than worth living. I'd do it all again with you if I could.  And I'll love you from wherever I go after today. I always will. If you feel me beside you, it's because I'm there, loving you and watching you. Sounds kinda creepy now that I think about it haha. You stirred beside me. You're so lovely when you're sleeping, you know that? Like an angel. I'm sure I look villainous in my sleep haha, what a match. You've just put your arm around me in your sleep. I must mean a lot to you. That's an honor, truly. To mean so much to Armin Arlert is worth more than a thousand merits, and it's what's keeping me smiling at all today. I don't want to die. But if you can believe it, and keep your heart open, I'm alive and well. And with you always. I'm running out of paper. And I think you're waking up. Keep living Armin. I hope you never stop waking up every day. Wake up, and live. I love you. I always will. Remember that._
> 
> _Forever yours,_
> 
> _Eren."_

Nights were the hardest. But for the first time in 2 weeks, Armin felt a sense of peace in his heart. He kissed the letter and laid it gently over his pillow and snuggled up in Eren's bedspace, feeling warm and safe in the comfort of his spirit. Of course he's really there. The love of Eren Yeager for Armin Arlert was immortal whether their bodies were or not. And Armin was so inspired to live at being reminded of that fact through Eren's simple words.

"I love you too, Eren!" he cried. "I love you, I love you, I love you..."

As he finally calmed down, wonderful memories of their childhood and all of Armin's favorite kisses they'd shared washed over his mourning brain and at last he began to drift off to sleep. "Good night, Eren..."

Of course the only sound one could hear right now were the waves, but Armin knew in his heart of hearts that he heard Eren whisper back.

_"Good night, Armin..."_

**Author's Note:**

> Things Armin does to endure the loss/depression:
> 
> -Writing. About Eren, mostly  
> -Light travel (as much as his own weakening health will allow)  
> -Frequent visits with friends  
> -Cooking/playing with exotic recipes


End file.
